Context

I saw a link to a Huffington Post article today that is about a letter a man sent to his gay son, “disowning” him. I feel like I need to add a little context to this. It’s a shame that hurtful things get said and even worse when they get put into writing, but to take a snapshot of one moment in time and broadcast it can distort reality. And every day when I open my internet browser I see more and more people distorting reality, either for personal gain or to promote their cause or their beliefs or their politics. ENOUGH!

I came out to my parents in 1990, about a week before my 26th birthday. To say it was traumatic for me understates it along the lines of “getting run over by a train is painful”. I literally pissed myself in my sleep the morning I was going to tell them.

Drinking Like a Gentleman*

When I first got sober, I was certain that the only substance I ever abused was crystal meth. Even when I finally started listening to the counselors in my outpatient program and agreed to stop all of it – the beer, the pot, the pills – I was only doing it to placate them. In those early months, I vowed that one day I would drink again because I had no problem with alcohol. Maybe I would smoke pot occasionally as well, because again, I had that under control.

It's a Wonderful Life

I have to take a little break from “what I was like” tonight. See, I'm exhausted. But it's the beautiful kind of exhausted that comes from having a full and wonderful life. So, I just want to write a little bit about this weekend and how my life is wonderful.

Schmoopie

I covered this way back in December 2009 in the post Yours Truly?, but since it's unlikely that all the same people still read my blog (and because of what I'm about to write about this exact subject), it bears an updating. When you write about things that happened to you years ago – especially when you were high for many of the years in question – there's always a certain degree of how you remember it involved. That would be true for anyone I think. For me, in addition to that, there is the question of how I remember it today. There are certain things that I've written about on this blog that I might remember differently if I were writing about them today. And there are things that I'm going to write about this month that I almost certainly would have recounted drastically differently in the first couple years of my sobriety. And then there is just the variable of my mood when I'm writing. When times are good and I'm feeling grateful, my memories of how things occurred and what they meant take a more upbeat and hopeful tone than when I'm barely dragging my ass out of bed and struggling to get through the day.

Don't Stop Me Now (or Ever)

Fortunately for me, my idea of writing every day just means that I post it on my blog before I go to bed. Good thing, because there's little chance this will be written and posted before midnight tonight (**actually, I'm posting this at 11:50 pm so I guess I made it). It's only day three and I'm already fighting myself to actually sit here and type words. Plus, I wasn't all that pleased with yesterday's post and now I'm certain I'll never write anything good ever again.

I'm also going to do it a little backward tonight. Instead of picking the song and then writing about the memory or ideas it invokes, I'm choosing my topic first and with any luck I'll find a suitable song to attach to it by the end of the post. The reason for that is I have a list of almost 30 songs selected for this month (almost 30 because I figured more would come to me during the month) and not one of them struck my fancy tonight.

Charlie's K-ngels

So, just to give you an idea of what to expect as we go through the month, I plan on using an instruction from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous as my guide here. In the chapter How It Works it directs us to tell our story in a particular manner: What we were like, what happened and what we are like now. So that's my loose outline for my posts this month. Some posts may not have anything to do with my addiction and recovery, but for the ones that do you'll be seeing posts about those things that happened before about 2006 in the first third of the month, things that happened from mid-2006 to mid-2008 in the second third of the month and then things that have happened since 2008 in the final third. As I said, that's a loose outline. I may realize that I have more to say about one portion of my life than another and I'll adjust accordingly. But for the next ten days(ish), you'll be reading about the pre-terrifying times.

When It Was Good...

About the songs: The songs I'm choosing for these posts aren't for entertainment or enjoyment really. You may enjoy some of them. But they are here for context. Good, bad or downright dreadful, some songs got their hooks in me by evoking powerful memories or by bringing to mind people or places that I love (or am terrified by). Those are the songs I'm using this month. You don't have to play the videos, but I think the posts might come to life a little more if you play the song in the background while you read. Enjoy!

There's something that I've heard a few people say in 12-step meetings that really rings true for me. “If you think my problems sound bad, wait until I tell you about my solutions.” That about sums up my entire life before I got sober. It is certainly true that I've encountered some difficult problems in my life. It's even more true that I made just about every one of them worse with my brilliant plans on how to solve them.

1800

Here comes August. Last year in August I wrote every day. First time in my life I ever wrote for 31 straight days. Only problem was that I hardly wrote at all for the next twelve months. Doesn't matter. At the risk of doing the same thing and expecting a different result, I'm going to try again to post something every day in August. But with a little bit of a twist. I'm way busier this August than I was last August so I need a little bit of a crutch – a gimmick if you will. So here it is: I'm going to post a song every day and write 500 or so words on the memories it brings up. We'll see where it takes us.

2012 Wimbledon -- Women's Preview

Every time another major rolls around for the past year, I think “I couldn't possibly be less interested in women's tennis than I am right now.” And yet the next one arrives and voila! I'm less interested.

In the interest of getting through this preview, I'm going to list the odds published on pregame.com and then just deal with the players that have a reasonable chance of winning. Here we go.

Wimbledon 2012 -- Men's Preview

Marat Safin, Goran Ivanisevic, Lleyton Hewitt, Thomas Johannson, Albert Costa, Juan Carlos Ferrero, Andy Roddick, Gaston Gaudio. This is the list (minus Roger Federer) of guys that won a major for the first time (AusO, French, Wimby, US Open) from 2000-2004. Combined they won nine majors during that time. Since then, they have played in a combined 126 majors. They have won ONE of those. And that was the very first major of 2005. So, currently that group (only three of them are still active) is approximately 0 for 118.

What does that have to do with this year's Wimbledon draw? Nothing really. I just noticed that the number one seed here – Novak Djokovic – is playing a former French Open champion in the first round and I had to chuckle. If there was ever a period of time in any sport that deserved an asterisk next to all its champions, it's that one. Pete Sampras and Andre Agassi were definitely past their primes by then (although they still managed to win as many or more than every player on that list during that time). Roger Federer didn't win his first major until 2003 (and still won more than every player on that list during that same time period). Rafael Nadal hadn't even played in his first French Open in 2004 (he turned 14 in 2000). Djokovic didn't play in his first major (any of them) until 2005.

Like I said, nothing to do with this tournament but I can't imagine when I'll ever have an opportunity to point that out again – possibly in a post about how Andy Roddick really doesn't deserve to be inducted into the Hall of Fame (and there is only a 100% chance that he will be).

I do love to ramble and digress. Back to Wimbledon.

Crackpot or Savior? Does It Even Matter?

A friend of mine posted on Facebook today about the book The Alcohol & Addiction Cure by Chris Prentiss. The website claims the book “contains the breakthrough three-step holistic program to total recovery.” The television commercial specifically states, “This is not a 12-step program; this works.” I used a semicolon between those two statements because the inference (for me at least) from the tone of Prentiss’ son Pax’s voice when he says it is that 12-step programs don’t work.

COPS! Part 1

(Note: I planned on telling three stories here but, as usual, the first one was so long that I decided to break it up into more than one part. I'll try to write part 2 next week.)


As always, italics are the words of the voices in my head


The hardest part of writing about things that happened while I was on meth is coming to grips with the foolish and embarrassing things I did that involved people that weren't using meth. You might think that's crazy or doesn't make a lot of sense. It probably doesn't, but for whatever reason copping to the things that went on in my head or with other people just as high as I was seems kind of zany and wacky. My behavior and antics when there were sober people around seem humiliating and depressing. Actually, that's only partially true. I can usually tell these stories in a room full of other addicts without much problem. For reasons that aren't completely clear to me, sharing them in this forum leaves me feeling extraordinarily exposed. (I know there are several people who will read this and want to explain these reasons to me. Trust me when I tell you that you don't know why it bothers me any better than I do AND, even if you do, I don't think I'm ready to know.)

Big Paul's Music for psquared's Readers

I started this on Facebook, but decided I'd just put it up here because it's more permanent. Today is the eighth anniversary of my dad's death. Some years it affects me consciously, others it takes me a while to figure out why I'm feeling crazy. That happens more around his birthday in August, which also happens to be the month I got sober. It's like a perfect storm of maniacal and depressive. I remember one year it was a couple days before his birthday and I was late for a 12-step meeting and as I'm coming off the subway I start pushing and elbowing my way through a crowd that was moving way too slow for my liking. As I'm charging up the steps to make sure I don't miss my transfer, I realize that I've just almost knocked over an old woman climbing up the stairs with her walker. Fortunately, I did not actually knock her down the steps. And also fortunately, I was able to see the craziness of charging over and through people while screaming (in my head), “Outta my way bitches. I gotta go get spiritual!”

I Know Exactly What You Mean

Procrastination is an interesting thing. Usually, when I have something I need to get done I spend the first two hours at my desk making sure every pen I own actually writes. No matter that I am sitting in front of my computer and I have no intention of writing anything longhand. It's just one of my many ridiculous habits to settle my mind down so I can actually think. Oddly enough, it works most of the time.

AusO 2012 -- The Men's Draw

So, I'm totally not as excited to write about the Australian Open men's draw as I was for the women. It's not because I don't enjoy watching men's tennis. These days, in fact, it's far more interesting to watch the men than the women. But there is always so much more drama swirling around the women that it's easy to find ways to spice up the post. In contrast, the men are fairly professional these days. Roger Federer is offering the most controversial quotes in press conferences, which means there's not much drama to report. The best thing about reviewing the men's draw is that I get to pore over all the shirtless (and sometimes pants-less) pictures of the ATP's hottest guys. Of course, I do it for you. I know you don't have time to waste typing Nadal shirtless, Federer shirtless, Djokovic naked into internet search engines. And you shouldn't have to. I'm here for you. Now let's get it on … I mean get on with it.

AusO 2012 -- The Women's Draw

Jennifer Capriati

It's time for the Australian Open. If I'm being perfectly honest, this is my favorite tournament to watch on TV. It's usually on at times that don't conflict with anything I want to watch (that's not quite as true here as it was in NYC but since the last two weeks of January are usually chock full o' reruns the AusO* being in prime time is perfect) and the sun is always shining there. I don't know what their winters are like, but if I were going to choose a different country to live in for a time (and I'd love to do that) Australia would almost certainly be the one I chose.

The Liebster Blog Award

Happy new year. Wondering where I've been? Yeah, me too. Worst case of “no inspiration” since I started writing this blog a little over two years ago. But how about this for a boost of inspiration.

My very good friend, who is the author of The Fibitz, has bestowed the honor of a nomination for the Liebster Blog award upon me. What is the Liebster Blog award you ask? No idea. There's no entry for it on Wikipedia, which in the internet world pretty much means it's as real as Zombies and dragons (VERY VERY REAL). Why did I capitalize Zombies but not dragons? Whimsy.

p²'s Favorite Songs of 2011 -- The Big Finale

Adam Levine (just because)

So before we move on to the top 11, I have to drop in a song that I thought I had on last year's list but I must not have really heard it until it was too late. If I had realized I left it off last year, it would have been in the top five this year. So consider this 5a.:

p²'s Favorite Songs of 2011 -- Part 2 (of 3)

Thanksgiving is over. The Christmas tree is already up and decorated. I (superficially) cleaned for Thanksgiving so that doesn't really need to be done. I have not one single excuse not to write part 2 of the best songs of 2011 today. Except that I'm hungry, but I suppose I can eat and type at the same time. Fine. Let's get on with it then, shall we.

p²'s Favorite Songs of 2011 -- Part One

It's time for p²'s favorite songs of the year again. In past years, most of my pop music has come from songs and artists I've heard on American Idol, with a smattering of things that either were impossible not to hear or I heard on the American Music Awards. This year however, I have a car. And my car stereo doesn't have any workable way for me to plug my iPhone into it and only hear the music I want to hear. So that means the number of songs I can actually identify this year is probably more by a factor of ten than the previous three years combined.

Stuck

Thank God for The X Factor.


We’ll get to why shortly. First, where have I been? If you read this blog regularly (or even occasionally) you probably noticed that after writing every day in August (and several days the first week of September), I haven’t written a single new word in almost a month. What happened?

RIP DADT

I wrote this article for a gay newspaper called Update in 1995, about a year and a half after DADT took effect. I guess if I'm ever going to post it on my blog, it's got to be today. Congratulations to all the military personnel that can stop hiding. For more information about the repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell, check out the Military Acceptance Project.

Acid Test?!

Should states be allowed to require all welfare applicants to pass a drug test in order to receive benefits? I hadn’t heard a lot about this issue recently (just a couple of Facebook comments), which is odd to me considering Florida just put this law into effect on July 1. In response, the ACLU filed a federal class-action lawsuit against the state, arguing that the test constitutes an "unreasonable search" by the government, in violation of the Fourth Amendment. Turns out lots of people have lots to say about it, I just wasn’t paying attention. Until now.

US Open Week 1 Review

I’m mostly taking Labor Day weekend off, but I figured a short post would be easy enough to do. However, the post I’ve decided to do is a mid-tournament assessment of my tournament preview. I was looking forward to doing this a couple of days ago, but after playing some of my worst tennis of the summer (and that’s saying something) and watching about 10 hours of tennis over the last two days I’m less than enthusiastic about this endeavor. But I will soldier on because this new commitment to writing more often is something I’m enthusiastic about.

Smurf Kills

This morning I got to sit in a room and listen to representatives from five different branches of law enforcement talk about the meth problem in San Diego and what is being done to solve it. I have no idea if blood can in fact boil inside your body, but if so then I’m sure mine was close. Don’t get me wrong. I am not saying that police and other LEOs (that’s law enforcement officer – I learned that from NCIS) shouldn’t be out doing what they are paid to do – protecting and serving. It was just really difficult to sit and listen to people epitomize the saying, “If all you have is a hammer, then every problem is a nail.”

A Nerd's Guide to the Greatest US Open Champs -- Women

The New York Times has created a mock US Open draw pitting eight US Open champions of the last 30 years against each other. They did one for both the men and women, but I’m just focusing on the women here. Their explanation of how they selected and seeded players is almost reasonable, but I found it a bit haphazard and lacking in a real ability to judge relative merits of the careers of these women. Plus, I think it puts people in the draw that really shouldn’t make an eight-person US Open draw of past champions. So, let me briefly explain some of the issues I have with their draw and then fashion something similar myself.

Good News / Bad News

On August 1 I made a commitment to cut my television watching to one hour per day and to write at least 100 words every day for my blog for the entire month. It was a pretty lofty goal for someone that had never written more than five days in a row in my life and has at some points in my life had three Tivos recording shows at the same time. Here it is August 31 and it’s time to see what happened.

Mr. Know It All

I started writing a post about tennis today, but because I’m such a tennis nerd it’s completely taken on a life of its own and there is no way I could finish it before midnight tonight. Lucky for me, Kelly Clarkson premiered her new single this afternoon so I don’t even have to try to finish the tennis post until Friday (Tomorrow’s post is just a debrief on my month long writing commitment).

T.G.C.H.H.O.

On my way home this afternoon I ran into a friend. I’d already heard from someone else that he wasn’t currently sober, but I always like to give people the chance to disclose their lives themselves. I didn’t have to wait long. I barely had the “how are you” out of my mouth when he told me what was going on.

2011 Men's US Open Preview -- Young Gun Edition

Verdasco's a must have

The mens. Mens, mens, mens. My favorite thing about writing the men’s preview is looking for and posting the pictures. I’m a bit tired of the same ole same ole though. To mix things up a little, I’ll be posting pics of the next generation of potentially great players (but only the ones that are 18 or older – I’m not interested in being THAT creepy). If I remember I’ll caption them to let you know who they are. And there will probably be some of the regulars mixed in as well. Enjoy!

Milestones in Crackheadedness -- Part Two

Well, I made it. Four years sober today. For those of you that haven’t dealt with addiction personally, it hard to explain what the milestones feel like. They are at the same time no big deal and an incredible miracle. If you had told me four years and one day ago that this day would come, I’d have laughed at you. Hell, if you had told me I’d make it six months at that point I’d have thought you were insane. But being here now, it feels perfectly normal. I won’t tell you that I wouldn’t like to have enough money that 20-dollar bills would start flying out of my pant legs again, but I can’t imagine what it would take for me to really ever want that life again.


I wrote the first Milestones post a couple weeks ago and it got a bit longer than I expected. So as promised, here is part two.

2011 US Open Women's Preview

Here’s the crux of the women’s preview for this year’s US Open: Unless she falls down and breaks a hip, Serena Williams should easily win the tournament. Since that’s not at least a hundred words, I’ll handicap the rest of the field – although most of them are handicapped enough already.

The Spirit of the Yankees Saves New York

I really need to get to writing the US Open preview posts, but here’s a little bonus for Friday afternoon. Here’s a story a NY Yankee fan will someday tell his grandchildren.


Come on over here kids. I want to tell you about how the Yankees saved New York – AGAIN – in the summer of 2011. It was a terrible, dark and stormy night. New York was under attack from the forces of evil.

Please Support My Walk in the AIDS Walk San Diego 2011

The last time I walked in an AIDS Walk was 2001. How did I let ten years go by without lifting a foot to participate in an event that I had done annually for the ten previous years? It’s hardly a mystery where the first six of those years went – up in smoke as it were. Even though I didn’t start using crystal meth until 2004, there were other drugs on the way to that one. And with every passing year, the idea of spending an entire Sunday morning without doing any became less and less palatable. 

Six Unforgettable US Open Matches (Women)

I’m still feeling a bit tennis-y tonight. And this is a blog post I’ve probably wanted to write every year since I started watching tennis. I love the US Open. Don’t get me wrong. Wimbledon is something special for sure, but I think it’s more special for the players than the fans. The US Open is where you get some knock-down drag-out battles where both players just leave everything out on the court trying to win. And while it hasn’t been as true the last five years, the Open is the place where you get to see some truly memorable women’s tennis matches. Here are six I think are unforgettable. I’m sure if you’re a fan you want one added that I don’t have on here, but that’s the other thing that makes the US Open so great. Trying to choose just five or six great matches is virtually impossible.

Not-So Great Dane

The US Open starts Monday, which means that at least half the posts between now and then will be about tennis. That’s probably not so good for some of you. But I’m sure a few people will be happy about it. Normally I just do the preview of the draws, but since I’m writing every day this month I can spend a little more time on some things.

God Willing?

As my 4th sober birthday is approaching, I have a confession to make – one that I can only make when I’m not sitting in a 12-step meeting (because it would be completely scandalous). I don’t always take things one day at a time. Appalling I know, but what can you do? I’m an addict you know, a screw up. That’s what we do.

The Book of Merman

I bolted awake at 3 am this morning with another epiphany. Apparently the universe has not yet gotten word that I’m sober and I now sleep at that time. Before, the biggest problem with my middle of the night revelations was that I had no idea what they were when I woke up in the morning. For awhile I kept a notepad by my bed so I could write these pearls of wisdom down, but after about the fifth time I woke up to a note that said, “Blue hens need bklsjglsehi” I decided maybe I was wasting my time.

Ladies Gone Mild

The night I’d been anticipating all summer finally came on Thursday. My first trip to the Greek Theatre to see the Go-Go’s on Belinda Carlisle’s birthday. It was truly the most anticipated day in my year. I’ve seen them at least twice before and I’ve seen Belinda Carlisle solo three times, so it wasn’t so much that the concert was the main event, it was more the total experience. The 30th anniversary of Beauty and the Beat, one of my favorite albums of all time, in Los Angeles on Belinda’s birthday. It was a perfect Go-Go’s storm.

Move Along -- Nothing to See Here Tonight (Really Nothing)

So, I have a whole new respect for people that really do write every day. Here we are on day 19 of 30 and I feel like I’m being dragged behind a car right now. I’m exhausted. There was the trip to Atlanta, the ridiculously long trip back, then the drive up to LA for the Go-Go’s concert and back the next morning to go to work.

Remedial Therapy

I had physical therapy today for a problem I’m having with my shoulder. Interestingly, I’ve had three sports injuries in the past four years and three different therapists have diagnosed each discrete problem the exact same way. Apparently I have a habit of building up the large muscle groups in my body while managing to completely ignore the little supporting muscles. I had a problem with my neck that was resolved by doing exercises with 5-pound dumbbells for about two months. Same thing with my back issue. Those situations occurred in NYC. Now I’m in San Diego and it’s a different problem – shoulder pain – with the same solution. I believe the expression that’s needed here is, “I never learn.”

Rush Hour

Short post today because all I can think about right now is how tired I am after the air travel experience from Camden (Hell doesn’t even begin to describe how annoying it was). Rather than bore you with the details of that, I’m just going to jot down a few observations about driving to and getting around LA (in car and on foot).

Mad About Her

Talk about living in someone’s shadow. Madonna not only had a monster career right on top of Belinda Carlisle’s, but she was born one day before Belinda in 1958.


I’m sure no one is surprised that today’s post is dedicated to Belinda and a handful of you were just sitting there waiting for it. Well, predictability be damned. Here it is. I’ve decided to focus solely on her videos, so the entire last half of her career is missing from this post.

Seven Timeless Songs From the Ageless Diva

Tomorrow (if I get this posted in the next seven minutes) is Madonna’s 53rd birthday. To celebrate, here are seven classic (or semi-classic) songs that FOR ME have passed the test of time. The only restriction I put on my list was that the song had to be at least ten years old. Other than that, I just went by what I still like. They are listed (I’m pretty sure) in chronological order.

Saturday in the Park

Sometimes I don’t remember what stories I’ve told here on my blog and which ones I’ve only told in meetings. I’d say stop me if you’ve heard this one before, but it will already be posted by the time you know you’ve heard it before.

Insomno-maniac

I’m feeling incredibly sleep deprived this week. Just about every morning this week I’ve been up at 4 am – from one side of the day or the other. I think I’ve averaged about four hours of sleep a night. Sometimes this happens because of a mini-manic episode. I’ll have a week or two where I just have a ton of energy and don’t need much sleep. This is not what’s going on this week.

Happy Birthday Dad

First August milestone reached. It’s always a relief when I get to my father’s birthday without having to do too much damage control. As I stated in an earlier post, August is Adventures in Crazytown for me every year. I still have to get to my sober birthday, but really this is the big one. I really miss my dad. In fact, I can’t type that sentence without getting tears in my eyes. It happens every time.

They Warned Us This Would Happen If We Let the Gays Get Married

I know I posted the link on Facebook today, but I feel like I need to memorialize my opinion on this matter on my blog as well. In case you missed it, here's toGay's big story: Inside the Bert and Ernie Marriage Campaign. Apparently Change.org has decided they have too much credibility and they want erode some of it by endorsing a ludicrous petition that they would scream bloody murder over if it were the other side positing something this absurd.

Re-Witched

Facebook was all atwitter today with the news that CBS ordered a new Bewitched pilot from Sony Entertainment – the people that brought us the Bewitched movie I was so excited about and never ended up seeing because I heard it was just a disgrace.

The original Bewitched series is among my five favorite televisions shows of all time (maybe another blog post this month), so it's hard for me to NOT be excited at the idea of a “reboot”, as the kids are calling it these days. At the same time, it's in the hands of the same people that ruined the movie version (allegedly – like I said, I haven't seen it) AND the real brilliance of Bewitched was the cast and their chemistry. How do you recreate that? I don't know, but that's what I'm going to try to do right now.

Do You Remember When ...

Just a real quickie tonight. I thought I was making my life easy last night by doing the song list, but I forgot about my relationship with the internet, youtube specifically. I spent at least ten minutes searching for every song to make sure I had the best available video clip. Plus I had to make sure I had the ten I wanted so then I had to look for more to see if I missed any. So, tonight something that will get me to bed a decent hour.