American Idol Auditions Feb 2+3 -- I Love Cheese

Two nights of auditions and barely anything to rant about. I guess this will be a short post. Also, I am writing this from Starbucks (27th and 6th) so I will not have the benefit of going back to Tivo to remind me what my notes mean.

Victoria Beckham is back for Denver. After seeing all the audition episodes, I have to say that Ellen Degeneres needs to bring her A game to convince me that Posh was not the best choice for fourth judge. She was kind, but honest. She didn't get pulled into the vortex of drama and stupidity that is Kara DioGuardi. And best of all, just like Paula, there would have been a ton of people (not me -- others) complaining about someone with no singing talent judging a singing competition. She also managed to point out that often looks, personality and "look" matter as much as voice without resorting to the dreaded "package artist" routine that made me want to slap Satan (for the rest of the season I will use Satan and Kara interchangeably -- they are the same) all last season.

So, after all the lame back story clips we've been subjected to, someone (Mark Labriola -- Tempted) being kidnapped by his mother at four years old and sleeping in tents on the run from his father for six years doesn't warrant anything more than a little extra time in the audition room? That said, he lost me at Chello. And he looks more like Chris Sligh (from season 7) than Jack Black. By the way, he loves cheese.

I don't remember exactly what it was that prompted Kara to get up and act like she was leaving, but that was really disappointing. At least when Simon walks out, he walks out. I'm not sure what she was trying to do except maybe pull the focus back onto her. Just sit down woman.

Normally I hate when Simon starts mocking someone before he even opens his mouth to sing, but I have to admit that his laughing at the guy with the nervous laugh (Mario Galvan -- Jailhouse Rock) had me guffawing. What can I say? I'm sure I'm going to hell, so I might as well laugh it up while I have the chance.

What about Kimberly Kerbow (The Way I Am) wasn't odd? Singing about Simon going bald was just bizarre. Good catch by Simon to notice that she was wearing a wig. But why couldn't she have run a comb through it?

What is with all the people with kids? Does anyone wait until they are out of diapers before they have children of their own anymore? It seemed like one out of every three people that made it to Hollywood had kids.

OK, I'm going to be the Grinch here. I totally get being emotional for your audition, but Danielle Hayes (I'm the Only One) is making a living (maybe not a good one but still) singing. It's not like she's a coal miner's daughter.

Interesting that Casey James (I don't know what he sang, but he was the one that they had take off his shirt) was in a motorcycle accident since his audition turned into a train wreck. Ba dum bum.

I thought little Hope's pictures were fantastic (and Simon saying the picture of Randy was a photograph instead of a drawing was hilarious) but Kara saying Tori Kelly (Gravity) had the best voice of the day was ridiculous.

Overall, I'd have to say that day one in Denver was the best segment of the entire audition season (5 yes/1 no in 30 minutes). Which led me to write in my notes that I was just going to assume that day two would be a nightmare. And they barely even tried to make me wrong.

Can we skip over the first two auditions -- mostly because I don't understand any of what I wrote in my notes. It's not illegible. I just don't know what it all means.

I loved when Ryan said they'd be coming back from the break with "some of our most shocking auditions ever." Well, what do you expect when you continually reward people for being idiots?

The montage of horrible auditions had a couple of bright spots:

• They used Katharine McPhee's song Had it All;
• Simon saying "It's a bit like having Paula back on the show" about something silly;
• And the exchange of "I'm the next American Idol." "No he ain't."

I'm not really sure why they were so big on the girl from Italy (Nicki Nix -- Something Kind of Ooh) and the preemie (Haeley Vaughn -- Last Name). I kind of thought they were both pretty so-so.

Fortunately, Tivo cut the episode off just as the judges got up to walk out on Bikini Boy, so I have no idea how long that went on.

Wednesday night led off with a tribute to Pants on the Ground. Yay.

They spend way more time telling us how great the talent is and not nearly enough time showing us.

Did anyone NOT think that the Amanda Shectman (Good Morning Heartache) audition was torture? All that fake crying and drama was pointless since it wasn't even remotely entertaining. Where's Tatiana when you need her?

Eight out of the first nine auditions they showed went through to Hollywood, but all I really took from that whole portion of the show is that there haven't really been any outstanding auditions at all this year. Some of the back stories choked me up, but not one singer gave me chills at all. Maybe they are saving it all up for Hollywood.

Simon pretty much outdid himself when Kara said that Adrian Chandtchi (Can't Help Falling in Love) had a small school boy inside his giant frame -- "Or you've eaten one." No he din't. Honestly, I hope they added that in later and he didn't really say that in front of the poor kid. Either way though, I loved it.

I also loved when Michael Lynch (Unchained Melody) -- the guy with the guns -- said to Kara, "How you doin?'

Did anyone else think that Didi Benami (Hey Jude) sounded like a less annoying Megan Joy? Less annoying probably because she hit all of the notes she was singing.

Most of the rest of the episode was less than thrilling -- we had the kid that was adopted by his aunt (Aaron Kelly -- The Climb), the girl that I was pretty sure was stoned (Kimberly Bishop -- I Kissed a Girl) and the girl that didn't know they were poor (Hope Johnson -- I Hope You Dance). Of course, it did get me when she said, "I thought lots of kids didn't eat dinner."

And they added one more word -- yeah -- to the 40 words (Michael Slezak from EW counted) Joe Jonas spoke.

Finally, I would much rather they made a star out of the gay (?) kid that liked to "HOLLA" than pants on the ground guy, but that's just me. What about you?