Monday, August 26, 2013


It was a little strange watching the VMAs this morning after all the buzz about them on Facebook last night, but the truth is that I probably wouldn't have set aside time to watch them at all if people hadn't been buzzing about them. Other than two or three minutes where Miley Cyrus was a disaster though, I'm not sure I see what all the fuss was about. It was pretty standard fare as awards shows go. Nobody cut off anyone's acceptance speech, no one showed up on stage drunk or high (where's Renee Zellweger when you need her). Hell, Justin Bieber wasn't even there to amp up the douche bag quotient. I just jotted down some observations as I went through. Upon review, there are probably way more questions than there are observations.

Lady Gaga – I saw comments on Facebook that went both ways, from amazing to reductive (that was the word used). I can't say I saw much to support either claim. Gaga's music and her performances are becoming fairly generic. I want to love her, I really do. I certainly don't dislike her. But I just was a little underwhelmed by the opening number (of course you'll see later that I felt similarly about the closing number).

One Direction – They kept shouting out Brooklyn, but realistically how many people from Brooklyn were in that audience. Why is Harry chewing gum? That's his name, right? Harry. Being a 13-year-old girl musically, I love One Direction but I'd have thought they could cast better looking guys for a boy band nowadays.

Best Pop Video – Selena Gomez??? Seriously? That was the fifth best song of the nominees. How is she different from Demi Lovato? Are we completely certain they aren't the same person?

Robin Thicke & Miley Cyrus – It's hard to say anything that hasn't already been said. It's also weird watching it after all the commotion. It's almost anticlimactic. Almost. She has a Gene-Simmons-sized tongue. I'm a little surprised the fans reaching for her on the stage weren't pulling away by the end. And let's face it. Shouldn't Robin Thicke be taking more heat for this? They must have rehearsed this debacle and he still went out there with her. The most disturbing part of the whole thing for me was when they cut to her dancing with her hand while he was singing. Why was she even still on stage at that point?

Oh. Apparently it's the performers who are from Brooklyn.

Why can't Drake and Macklemore come out in their underwear with big hands rubbing on their crotches? I volunteer my big hands for the job.

Ryan Lewis thanked someone named Peter (Petr?). I'm just going to assume it was me.

Who is Kevin Hart?

I would not have thought Jared Leto could do anything to make himself unattractive, but between the hair and the get up... I'm pretty sure he shouldn't have been wearing any one of those garments, let alone all of them together.

Do we think Kanye was happy he wasn't the main target of ridicule for a change? Or is he sitting at home regretting not bringing North on stage dressed as a compass?

Best Female Video – I'd have voted for Taylor Swift if it were the goat version of Trouble.

Best Video with a Social Message – I love love love Same Love. Every time I look at Macklemore I think (first I think HOTTTTTT, but then...) PLEASE STAY SOBER.

Justin Timberlake – Is there a term limit on being President of Pop? I love him as a pop star, as a host on SNL and as an actor. Attention Miley Cyrus – You can transition from child star to adult star without making a pit stop as messy almost-porn star. Just think JT and not LL. And is it just me or would most of his dance moves be super cheesy if someone else were doing them?

'N Sync – I have to admit I was hoping for something a little more Diana Ross and the Supremes, like JT knocking one of them off the stage “by accident”.

Is this the VMAs or a Justin Timberlake concert with a whole bunch of special guests?

Watching these awards shows over the last few years I've noticed that the favorite reaction shot at all of them is Taylor Swift singing along. Does she know every word to every pop song ever released?

It was perfect that Jimmy Fallon shouted out Dick in a Box, which is really JT's best video ever. The uncensored version has embedding turned off, but go to Youtube and search dick in a box uncensored.

I missed half of the best songs of the summer. How is it that I don't have that One Direction song?

Quick, cut to Taylor Swift making some sort of nasty face at Harry Styles.

Macklemore & Ryan Lewis – I can hardly ever hear this song without tearing up. OMG OMG OMG OMG JENNIFER HUDSON!!! Now I'm really gonna cry. The best part of this was somehow I didn't see anyone post about her showing up so it was a complete surprise for me.

The sound keeps going out on my recording of the show. The first minute of Gaga's video was mute. I'm used to sound dropping when someone curses, but it's going out for a minute or so at a time. Even during commercials.

Adam Lambert's still a thing? I had no idea. Good for him.

Artist to Watch – Poor Austin Mahone. I see the future and it's going to be a Biebercalypse. Mahomies??? Oh no.

Drake – I wish I liked his music more, because he's so damn hot. But he's every bit as bland as he is hot.

Rihanna has looked like she's been trapped in hell all night. She needs a box of Cheez-Its or something. That always makes me feel better when I'm bored.

Best Male Video – Why does Taylor Swift always walk like she's a runway model? I keep waiting for her to get to the center of the stage and then just turn around and flounce away again. Thank god Bruno won. I may be the only person on earth that thinks Blurred Lines is a complete mess. I have no idea why anyone likes that song. Meanwhile, I loves me some Bruno.

Bruno Mars – He sings about some weird shit – grenades, gorillas – but he always makes it work.

I would like to go on record as saying that I wish Joseph Gordon-Levitt was the one getting most of the roles James Franco gets. Nothing against Franco, I just love JGL.

Video of the Year – Taylor Swift doesn't know what to do. When was the last time she was nominated for an award and didn't win? I knew JT was popular, but I didn't realize until watching this that he's like “Michael Jackson Thriller” popular.

Katy Perry – So Roar is her biggest hit? How did that happen so quickly? What metric are we using to determine this? It's a decent song, but it's hardly her best. As for this finale, the Brooklyn Bridge is in the background thinking, “Bitch don't you know who I am? If you want to perform with me you better bring something better than this.”

According to my DVR, the show ended seven minutes early. I'm glad they didn't have it run overtime, but with all those stars there they couldn't get one more performance out of someone? I was wondering why the JT segment lasted 21 minutes. They should have let him go for 30.

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