Wednesday, August 29, 2012


So, just this morning I posted on Facebook that I wish I had a job where I had to write something new every day. I still feel that way, but I wish I didn't have to do it at 10:30 at night. The only downside to having a really full life is that my life is really full. I haven't stopped all day. So now I'm here trying to thing of some way to entertain you and I've gotta tell you – I got nothin'.

But you know what I do have. Something I wrote when I was high about writing every day. I haven't posted anything from back then in a while and I think y'all might find it amusing to see how different my brain was back on Halloween 2006 (which is when this was written). Technically it's not a repost because it never made it to the blog. Not because I didn't think it was any good (I actually CTM'd – chuckled to myself – a couple of times while reading it just now); it never made it to the blog because I never finished it. In fact, it just stops. And I'm not going to add anything. So when you get to the end, well that's the end. Enjoy.

[About the song: I think the title says it all.]

Writing every day has never been anything I've been particularly disciplined about, so trying to keep a blog updated has proven challenging to say the least. It's not that I don't want to write every day, I just don't need to write every day.

Whenever I talk to other writers, they all seem to have one thing in common: the belief that they are physically unable not to write every day. I have heard this from several people. To be fair, most of them were women and gay guys so the melodrama quotient is probably a factor, but it's pretty much a universal feeling among published writers. Are you people kidding me? I'm physically unable to not eat every day. That's about it. I can go weeks without seeing a pencil and not a single pang. No nausea, no fever. Nothing.

So, making a living as a writer is decidedly more difficult when you feel just fine sitting in front of the television with a box of Cheezits all day. I wish I were a real writer; I really do. It would make everything much simpler if I woke up every morning and thought, “OK. I guess I'll knock out a couple chapters before I start projectile vomiting.” Instead, my first thought in the morning is usually, “I wonder if the Charmed episodes on TNT are Shannon Doherty ones or the ones with Rose McGowan?” If it's a Rose McGowan morning (particularly season four), then projectile vomiting can be a worry.

When you understand the handicap I'm working with, it's really amazing that you ever see a new entry here. To help get me over the hump, I've decided to cheat. I'm going to start adding “gimmes” -- posts so easy they could write themselves while I sit and contemplate why anyone ever thought that levitating was an appropriate growth of the power of premonition (Phoebe's Charmed power). She saw the future for God's sake. How did that “grow” into leaping six feet off the ground? They might as well have given her the power to fly. Let's see. Prue (Shannon Doherty) could move things with her mind, which grew into being able to astral project. In other words, she could move herself with her mind. OK. I'm with you there. Piper could freeze time, which grew into being able to blow things up. This one was a little bit of a stretch, but they actually explained it as the ability to slow molecules down to freeze growing into being able to speed them up to the point of exploding. OK. I'll even buy that one.

I've seen just about every episode of this show and I don't even know when they decided that Phoebe was going to be allowed to start flying through the air like Bullwinkle’s friend. I can't find a single line of dialogue in the entire eight seasons that bothers to address it. Oh look, Phoebe can dance around six feet off the ground. Her premonitions must be getting stronger.

OK. If this blog were a sitcom or a weekly drama, you have figured out by now that one of my character's traits is rambling. You probably should just get used to the aimless digressions down some bizarre back alley of my mind. I don't even realize I'm doing it until I've completed the non sequitor thought and am so proud of my clever turn of phrase that there is no way I'm editing it out. At first, I was cutting out these passages and saving them to turn them into full posts. But you can see how well that worked. Eighteen months later this blog has something like nine posts. Prolific.

But that's about to change. No, really. Lists are the answer. Everyone loves lists. You (both of you who read this thing regularly that is) are going to be completely drawn in, wondering what I think the 10 most compelling American Idol performances have been, or who have been the 15 funniest sitcom characters in television history. You are probably giddy with delight just hearing about it now.

Lists take about .0003 percent of your brain power. And you get to use all the fancy bullet and numbering formatting in your office suite. I use OpenOffice rather than Microsoft Office, so the bullets and numbering for my lists might be somewhat foreign or exotic to most of you, but I'll try not to lose you.

I've also started hording. I've written several entries in the past two to three weeks, but haven't posted them. This way, when I do start posting again (which has happened if you are reading this) I'll have a bunch of pre-written entries that just need to be posted. Genius huh? It only took me a year and a half to come up with these gems too. Just think how innovative and exciting this blog will be in, say, 3056.

Want to help? Of course you do. You wouldn't even still be checking to see if this pathetic site was updated if you didn't have some desire to see me not go up in flames. So, at the bottom of this entry (or any of the entries), hit that “add a comment” button and let me know what you think. Anything you'd like my unique take on? Throw it out there. Quantum theory isn't anything I can really write intelligently about, but if you want to know my theory about why Raj never actually slapped Dee on What's Happening? I can probably give you 1000 words on that.

You probably can figure out from the existing entries some of the topics I'm likely to have opinions on, but how about a handy list to put up on your refrigerator? I knew you'd be all over that. Here goes: The top zillion topics p² will gladly tackle in p² to the nth.

  • Tennis (more the women than the men)
  • Baseball, specifically the Redsox
  • Charmed, but just about anything having to do with Shannon Doherty or Allyssa Milano too

1 comment: