Saturday, August 18, 2012

What Was I Just Doing?

Well, it took this long but we've finally come to the night where I just don't have anything to say or any excuse to not say it. What does that even mean? In other words, I have no good reason to not write a blog post tonight (like being at Disneyland for 16 hours) but really I have very little to say.

That's not completely true. There are some things that I could probably write about if I wanted to stay up for two more hours and really work on something. But I'm exhausted, it's been a pretty long day and I have a ridiculous headache. So, staying up until two in the morning isn't really an option right now.

[About the song: This is what it sounds like in my mind most days.]

So I'll just write what's been on my mind most of yesterday and today. It's essentially the same topic as yesterday, only not the funny side of it. I've got a lot of commitments right now. That's not a bad thing. I'm working on committees to put together two different recovery conferences, I'm on another committee that deals with the business of running one of the 12-step programs here in San Diego, I work with a couple of guys helping them the way people have helped me over the past five years and I have all the normal work and home stuff that people have. Plus, I'm in the middle of this “writing every day” project.

What I also have (as I wrote about last night) is ADD. And it's been really hard to manage lately. I'm not used to a life as big as the one I have right now. I'm not complaining about that at all. I love that people think I'm responsible enough to help with important things and that my friends want me to do things with them and that I have a job and that people read my blog and on and on and on. It's a great freakin' life.

But I just keep forgetting shit. Making stupid little mistakes. Double booking days. Not showing up for things I said I'd do. Missing deadlines. Making lists and then not knowing where they are. Thinking of something and then forgetting what it was before I can even find a pen to write it down.

The thing is, I've always had this problem. I just didn't always know what it was. I thought I was just careless and irresponsible. I thought the reason why I was always in trouble at work was because I was lazy and didn't want to do the things that I had to do. I thought the reason I never knew what anyone had just said to me was that I was so self-centered that I couldn't be bothered to listen. And I really beat myself up about it.

Then, almost ten years ago (before I ever used crystal), someone told me about Adderall. I tried it. It was fucking amazing. All of a sudden, I was remembering what I was supposed to be doing. I was hearing what you all were saying. I even would read things and understand (and remember) them. It was a miracle. And I was pissed off! Here I was almost 40 years old and I was just finding out that these things were even possible. I really thought everyone else in the world was just really good at faking it and I wasn't. It had never even occurred to me that you could pay attention to what was happening because it seemed impossible. And now here I was doing it. It was a beautiful and maddening revelation.

And of course I completely ruined it for myself by procuring a meth addiction that prevents me from ever taking Adderall (or any amphetamine-based medication) again. So, now I'm right back to where I was but with one big difference. Now I know what I'm missing. And it's frustrating as hell.

I do my best to work around it. I use my iPhone as much as I can to put appointments in my calendar and to send texts as soon as it occurs to me. But it's not enough. Most of the time, I remember things while I'm driving. And not only is texting while driving illegal but I can really barely do one thing at a time anyway. Add a second thing that takes any sort of concentration and all hell breaks loose.

I have to change the credit card on my Tivo account because I lost my debit card last week. Because of some glitch on the website, I actually have to call them. But I only remember that I need to do it after 10 pm (when they are not available) and while I'm driving. By the time I get to where I'm going, I've forgotten. I did remember once when I was at work this week. But when I got up to go outside to call, my phone rang. By the time that conversation was over, calling Tivo was completely gone from my head.

I get headaches from grinding my teeth. Every morning I have to put the entire day's worth of doses of Tylenol or ibuprofen out on my bed. If I don't, I'll spend the entire day wondering if I just took the ibuprofen of if I was just getting ready to get up and take it. I've had headaches that lasted whole days because I could never remember if I actually took the pills or not.

There are pills I need to take every day. I've had to resort to a mail-order pharmacy that only occasionally gets something right (it's not often). But the reason I stay with them is that they sort all my daily medication for me and put it in little blister packs with the date on it. Plus, I have a reminder on my iPhone for every day to remind me to take them. I still sometimes get to the late afternoon or evening before I realize they are still on my bed waiting to be taken.

These are just the things I remember that I forget. God knows what else is going on that I am not even vaguely aware of. This post doesn't really have a big aha moment or even a point. I have just spent the entire day with my head spinning because of all the things I can't keep straight and I needed to get rid of it. Maybe one of you can relate and now you know you're not the only one. If that happens, then maybe the day wasn't such a disaster after all.

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