As my 4th sober birthday is approaching, I have a confession to make – one that I can only make when I’m not sitting in a 12-step meeting (because it would be completely scandalous). I don’t always take things one day at a time. Appalling I know, but what can you do? I’m an addict you know, a screw up. That’s what we do.
I will often say, “I’ll have four years in a couple weeks” – completely omitting the “God willing” part that makes it acceptable. Who do I think I am, anyway? Assuming that I might actually make it another four days without picking up a drug. Cocky son of a bitch.
Here’s the thing though. God willing? Really? Is there even a remote chance that the will of the universe (my concept of God) is that I pick up a crack pipe in the next four days? How would that look?
I’m pretty sure most of the stupid shit I did with drugs and alcohol was my will and there was nothing divine or supernatural about it. I never prayed about what the best way to transport drugs across the country would be. If I had, the blog posts I wrote about my air travels probably wouldn’t have been nearly as comical. No. That was all me. Well, maybe it wasn’t all me but I’ve decided not to implicate my colleagues. It’s not really the kind of letter of recommendation that people generally want.
I also don’t believe that planning a trip to NYC next August to celebrate my 5th sober birthday with the people that helped me get sober is something God is all that interested in screwing up for me. If I end up not making it to five years, it will absolutely not be because God isn’t willing.
I’m not suggesting that I can stop doing the things I do every day to ensure I stay sober. Those things are not optional. Meetings, step work, helping others – these are all things that are required of me every day. But what isn’t required is that I act like it’s completely out of my hands whether I’ll be sober next month or next year. I know what the will of the universe is for me on this particular issue. As long as I keep my will aligned with it, everything should be just fine.